The idea that love is the cure for all wounds and deep-rooted problems lies at the heart of one of the most enduring myths in modern relationships: the “I Can Fix Him” mindset.
This belief describes a situation where someone in a romantic or close personal relationship firmly believes they can change, improve, or “fix” another person struggling with unresolved emotional issues or personal challenges. Often, this mindset takes root when one partner sees untapped potential in the other and envisions helping them achieve a “better” version of themselves.
But where does this term come from? While the concept itself is nothing new under the sun, the phrase has a more modern origin, largely tied to internet culture. Indeed, it all started in the early 2020s as a series of memes on online platforms such as X and TikTok. People used this phrase to mock individuals who believe they can change their romantic partner or close friends for the better, often using an exaggerated tone to ridicule these unrealistic expectations shaped by various factors.
Let’s start with the most obvious one : media. For centuries, stories have depicted a character—often a woman—believing she can “redeem” a flawed individual. While back then, these tales frequently ended in tragedy, modern movies and books have given the whole idea a more romantic and achievable twist. From the classic Pride and Prejudice (1813), where Lizzy’s love transforms the proud and aloof Mr. Darcy, to the magical Enchanted (2007), where Giselle shows us that true love conquers all, we have seen how, with some effort, one can change even the most cynical minds for the better.
However, movies and books are not the only sources of this delusion; society and socialization have also played their own part in it.
Socialization is the ongoing process through which individuals learn the norms and values of the society in which they live, enabling them to be accepted by it. Since childhood, we’re taught to be considerate, empathetic and ready to help our peers should they be in difficulty. While developing these admirable qualities is essential, taking it too far, it can lead to the urge to become someone’s “savior” or “hero”. The intentions behind this are not inherently bad as, most of the time, they stem from genuine empathy or past experiences in childhood.
Additionally, society envisions couples as growing together and bringing out the best in each other. While this conception of love stirs the hearts of many, it’s important to remember that it’s NOT our duty to “change for the better” or “improve” our partner. Other factors could be explored to explain this common mindset, which studies have shown to be more often adopted by women, as they are raised to be nurturing and motherly. Nevertheless, I’d like to move on to the heart of the matter: the reality behind the myth.
Although the «I can fix him» mindset is occasionally verified by the experiences of others around us, most of the time, adopting a “savior-saved” dynamic in a relationship leads to its own downfall. Not to sound fatalistic, truly, as it is entirely possible to break free from this mentality. However, the emotional exhaustion caused by such an unhealthy dynamic often leads to other issues that harm the relationship as a whole, such as communication breakdown, intimacy erosion, and resentment. Indeed, when confronting reality, we realize that people can’t change simply because we love them or try our hardest to help them. In the end, change—and most importantly, the will to change—comes from within the individual, especially if the other person doesn’t want help or feels the need “to fix” something within themselves. One partner may feel like a “project” or unloved for who they are, while the other loses themselves or has unmet emotional needs. Ultimately, both are trapped.
So, as advice, DON’T enter into relationships with the conviction that you’ll be able to “fix” something in your partner that bothers you. In the end you can only inspire them.
To end this article, here are some wise words from the moving Me Before You (2016): “You can’t change who people are…you love them.”